Wacky Wild West!
by Bluelotus11
Summary: AU. The small town of Nanimori is surrounded by four warring ranchs- Millefiore, Vongola, Cavallone, and Varia. Straight off the stagecoach, five mail-order brides step into the chaos. How fast can things go horribly wrong- and turn out oddly right?


FWARGH. I cannot believe I wrote this. I truly wanted to work on A.A.F.T.H, but I wasn't really getting anywhere. Then this plot bunny came and bit me at work, and hasn't left me alone.

So yes, this is a Wild West AU for Khr. Things had to be very adapted. I did stop short of gender-bending Fuuta, though. Mainly because I don't like gender-benders much.

What else to say.. Mail order brides. It'd be nice to have input for who y'all'd like Yuni, Chrome and I-pin to end up with. I've already planned for Kyoko and Haru. And it will be cracky. Anyone is pretty much fair game, since I'm trying to work in EVERYONE except the fake funeral wreaths and Shimon- they're mostly boring.

Probably this is going to grow on me, and by the end everything will be really complicated. Just please bear in mind that I have not read a western in a long time, since I became sick of romance from reading too much.

And I will still work on A.A.F.T.H, hopefully updating before September.

* * *

><p>A dusty, jolting carriage rolled along a rough, rutted dirt road. Inside sat five women and one man. "How many more miles, Mr. Shamal?" asked one of the girls tiredly while re-adjusting her hair pins. "Not long!" gleamed the the doctor, rubbing his hand in anticipation. "Just under two hours. Ya know, if you look out the left side in a few minutes, ya might catch a glimpse of some Cavallone cattle. We'll be passing close by his ranch." "Sure.." the girls murmured dully. "Er, I believe I'll go sit with the driver so y'all can primp, alright?"<p>

"Sure!" smiled one girl, reaching into her reticule for a comb. When the doctor had finally edged himself out of the door safely, they all breathed a sigh of relief. "Phew!" exclaimed the brunette, tugging out her troublesome hairpins. Long silky chocolate- colored hair tumbled to her shoulders. "I know he's got a girl in this town coming up, but still, you don't want to let your guard down.."

"Agreed!" exclaimed a petite Chinese girl, sliding patterned glass chopsticks through her braids, pinning them in graceful loops. The blonde of the group smiled sadly, fingering her locks. "I wish my hair was as long as yours, I-pin. I'm sure I'll look strange next to you all." "Don't say that, Kyoko! Look at my hair! It's GREEN! That's much more strange!" "Thanks, Yuni. But still.."

"Here!" chimed two girls simultaneously, holding out a silk flower and green ribbon. "Thank you, Haru, Chrome. But I couldn't..." "Nonsense!" declared Haru, dropping the strand of jade cloth into her lap. "Thread it through your hair.. there you go.. Hand me that flower, Chrome!"

The purple haired girl complied. Haru pinned the knot of silky purple petals to the side of Kyoko's otherwise plain straw hat. "Lovely!" she clapped, casting around for other accessories. "Pretty! Sorry, I-pin has nothing." "Um, here.. sorry, it's broken. But you can thread the beads on something, so you'll have a necklace.." blushed Yuni, pouring a stream of amber-colored beads into Kyoko's hand.

The blonde smiled gratefully. "You all really didn't have to..." "Nonsense, we should've thought of it sooner. Is there anything else you need?" "Mmnn, no... I really don't look odd?" "Not at all!" they assured her. "Haru thinks a handsome cowboy is going to sweep you off your feet as soon as you step out of the coach!" "Oh, I don't know... It might be a handsome general store owner!" laughed Yuni. "Big blacksmith!" "What do you think, Chrome?" asked Haru. The purple haired girl ducked her head nervously. "B..Banker" she whispered. Haru turned back. "There, you see? It'll be fine. We're behind you, 100%! Now, let's get ready to make some jaws drop!" "I..I don't know if I'd put it that way.." whispered Chrome. "Chin up, be courageous!" shouted Haru, making a fist. "Ladylike, Haru is not." laughed I-pin. "Hey!"

/-/-/ Two hours later, the stagecoach rolled into town. Shamal hopped off the outside, and majestically opened the door, extending a hand to each of the girls in turn as they stepped out. They stepped into the slightly dusty main street and stared at what was now their home. A impressive, refined town it was not. Barely more than a cluster of faded wooden buildings gathered around a dirt main street, with a few branching sideroads leading to small, two story houses and a few shacks, it hardly gave off an aura of grandeur. But they weren't terribly letdown.

Over the past weeks, they'd seen worse. Stayed in worse. At least this place didn't appear to be infested with locusts. "There'll be a railroad runnin' through here in a few years, hopefully." commented Shamal, sensing they weren't terribly impressed. "Mmhm" muttered Yuni, brushing back her bangs, and pulling her hat lower. "The sun is rather hot, Mr. Shamal. Where are we to stay? Not in the street, I hope." "No, of course not, my little lady. The hotel has been reserved- it's just down the street. There, see?"

They peered where he pointed. A whitewashed building shimmered in the noon sun. Its construction was a little more lofty and grandiose than its neighbors. Pillars supported a large veranda. Several comfortable-looking rocking chairs were lined up in the shade of the veranda roof. The building itself towered an extra story above it's neighbors, relying on no fake fronts to impress.

"It looks very nice" commented Chrome shyly, fingering her drawstring bag in nervous anticipation of what might await her there. "Now don't worry, little lady" smiled Shamal somewhat suavely. "You see, today's Friday. Most folks come into town on the weekend, so ya'll have a good bit of time to rest. We'll start.. introductions on Sunday, since most everyone'll be here for the circuit preacher. We convinced him to stay around for a few days to do weddings, so don't worry about that either. Now, why don't you walk over to the hotel and check in. I've got someone I need to see..."

He turned, and strode the opposite direction eagerly. Haru smiled mischievously. "Want to be he's off to see his girl? Let's follow!" "Sure!" laughed Yuni. I-pin nodded. "I'm curious too, but don't you think it's a little bit.. I don't know.." asked Kyoko. Chrome nodded in agreement with Kyoko. "Okay, then I-pin, Yuni and I will follow, while you two check in. We'll tell you about it later!" declared Haru, already striding after Shamal eagerly. The other two followed, leaving Kyoko and Chrome alone. "Well, we should be going then.." murmured Chrome, slightly more relaxed now that she knew that there was still time before meeting strangers. "Yes.."

They strolled eagerly down the street. Of course, stretching their legs felt good, but the possibility of a bath was even more enticing. Chrome tugged at the front doors of the hotel. "They're locked." "Hmm, that's odd.." muttered Kyoko, peering through the small stained glass window set in the door. "I can't see anything. Let's knock, then check for a side door."

They rapped several times, but no-one answered, so they hopped off the edge of the veranda into a vegetable patch, and wound their way through rows of carrots to the back of the building. A screened door was slightly ajar. They pushed it open and stepped into a curiously clean kitchen. "This is odd" murmured Kyoko, looking around at the clear table and stovetop. "Normally, you'd have meal preparations going." "Perhaps they weren't expecting us?" offered Chrome. "Maybe, but there'd still be something for the owner and workers, right? A pot of soup, a loaf of bread.. but there's nothing. And why are all the knives missing from the rack?" "Maybe the blacksmith is sharpening them?" "That's probably it.."

They stepped out of the kitchen, into a spacious, airy dining room filled with round tables, set for customers with silverware and impeccably white tablecloths. "If the tables are set, where's the food?" "I don't know." They walked quietly, threading through the tables. Chrome shivered, crossing her arms. "Something's wrong- I can sense it." "Like what?" asked Kyoko, pausing in the doorway to the lobby, her back to the opening. Chrome's eyes widened. "Something... like that..." she whispered, raising a trembling finger. Kyoko blinked, and slowly turned around. Her scream echoed through the foyer, and out the open dining room windows.

/-/-/-/ Meanwhile, Haru and her team had successfully traced Shamal to a bar, which he was just entering. "We can't go in there!" protested Yuni. "We're LADIES." "True, but ladies can still peek, right?" winked Haru, tiptoeing up to the swinging doors. The others followed suit, setting their eyes to the slats.

Inside, Shamal had just sat down at the bar. A red-haired woman who was polishing bottles turned, a bright smile on her face. "What'll it be?" "You" he smiled. Her grin froze disturbingly. "You...You. Get. Out." she ground out, reaching surreptitiously for an empty bottle. "Ah, calm down.. a woman shouldn't resort to violence.." he stammered nervously, scooting out of bashing range. "What's going on here?" barked a demanding female voice. Shamal turned, stars almost visible in his eyes. "Ah, Hana! Beautiful Hana, what a lovely vision you present.. Your raven locks and sweet, sweet voice are solace to my deprived eyes and ears..." "Shut up, before I sew your mouth shut with your own needles! And don't give me that 'solace to your ears' crap- since you're back, that means you brought those poor girls with you, which means you spent months in female company!" "But none of them are as beautiful as you, my sweet, sweet.."

Behind him, the redhead mouthed 'should I hit him?' "Sure." "..Sweet, gorgeous.. augh!" He collapsed, falling off his stool to the floor with a painful thump. Luckily, he was unconscious by then, making him the only one in possibly the whole town who DIDN'T hear Kyoko's scream.

/-/-/-/ Kyoko backed away from the doorway, and clasped hands with Chrome nervously. "What do we do?" she whispered, almost scared to raise her voice. "I... I don't know." trembled Chrome. "We should fetch the sheriff, only we don't know where he is- or even if this town has one." "We.. we could go look.." "Yes, but somehow, I can't tear myself away. It's horrible, but I can't." "What do we do?" whispered Chrome.

Just then, they heard a rattling sound, loud and clear. "What is that?" squeaked Kyoko looking back and forth worriedly. "It's coming from the front door. We should open it." "But then we'd have to go past.." "I know..." The rattling stopped. Both girls exchanged a long, wide-eyed look. All was silent. Then suddenly, a hand clamped down on their shoulders, making them jump.

"Calm down. I wasn't trying to scare you."

Wide-eyed, they turned. A man stood there, tall and dark-haired. Curly sideburns framed his face, and an orange-banded, black Stetson rested on his head. He flashed the badge pinned to his overcoat. "Sheriff Reborn at your service" he smiled, pulling the hat off for a brief moment. "Now then, what was that scream about?" "In the lobby.. well, see for yourself" said Kyoko, moving aside. "Thank you, I will." he replied, replacing his hat as he walked.

"Up on the ceiling, and behind the desk there" instructed Kyoko tremulously. "The ceiling?" he murmured, looking up. His musing look froze. "Oh. Oh, Verde. Why?" he asked to the open air. "Why?"

Reborn turned back to the girls, who were hovering just inside the lobby cautiously. "I'm very sorry. He was always a bit depressed, but to hang himself... It's a terrible.. Wait, you said something about the desk?" They nodded numbly. Reborn strode to the desk , looked behind reluctantly, and knelt down grimly on the bloodstained wood floor. "This is bad" he informed them, inspecting the gruesome puddle and it's inhabitants.

"You see, Verde probably hanged himself, but he most definitely did NOT stab his servants to death. You see, while he didn't care a whit for their well-being and was fond of theatrics, this is just not his style. Verde was always professional. These are the heated, emotion-filled stabs of someone who didn't really know what they were doing. Verde would know exactly where to stab to kill- and would do it with all the emotional detachment of a scientist dissecting a frog. Besides, see the handles of these knives? Rough, unsanded wood. And see here- the blade glanced off a rib before sliding into the heart. So the blade would twist in the murderer's hand, leaving splinters. Now, if we look at Verde's hand.."

He stood up, disregarding the smudged blood on the knees of his trousers, and moved over to the corpse gently swaying in the breeze. "Here.." he hummed, separating the fingers to scan each individually. "Nothing! Absolutely no splinters or reddening or abrasions. Which also proves he hung himself- if it was against his will, he'd have tried to pull the rope off, so his fingernails'd be broken. Ah, old fri.. acquaintance, what happened, eh?" he mused, peering up sadly.

The girls watched silently, with a slightly horrified and disgusted interest. "Ah! You're female!" he suddenly exclaimed, turning about. "Er.. Should we be offended?" stammered Kyoko, taken aback. "No. It just didn't register. I was too absorbed in.. but never mind. So Shamal is back. Where is he, and are there only two of you?"

"Allow Haru to answer that!" chirped a voice from behind Kyoko and Chrome. Haru strode forward, idly spinning a shard of glass around her finger. She smiled cheerily, completely ignoring the dangling body situated just behind Reborn. "Haru Miura" she explained, dipping a curtsy. "And behind me is Kyoko Sasagawa, Chrome Dokuro, I-pin.. I can't pronounce it, and Yuni. And this very nice man dragging the body behind is Mukuro Rokudo. At least, he _appears_ to be nice, but I don't believe it." she explained in a stage whisper.

"Oya, oya" protested the pineapple-haired man, casting Shamal down on one of the dining tables. "That isn't very nice. Ladies should watch what they gossip about, or else.. Kufufu..." He tapped a pocket warningly. "Hahi! I mean, sure. Now then... why are you playing with a pinata?" She pointed behind Reborn. The assembly would have sweatdropped, had this been Japan. Since they were in America, a tumbleweed rolled by.

"The mood is completely ruined." murmured Reborn, pulling out a gun and shooting up. The chandelier which Verde had tied himself to fell to the ground in a shower of crystals and sprawling body parts. "Hahi! Wouldn't it be easier to just untie him?" "NO!" ground out Reborn and Mukuro simultaneously. They looked rather startled to agree on something. Reborn smiled. "Perhaps you coming to the side of the law, Rokudo?" "Never. It's too much fun over here, kufufu... And to explain to the _ladies_, Verde ties.. tied _very_ good knots. Unfortunately." The men both winced.

"Now then, ignore the bodies behind the desk, and head up the stairs- bedrooms are on the second floor- the beds should be made, and is your luggage here yet?" bustled the sheriff, closing Verde's eyes, and hoisting the body onto his back.

Right on cue, the stagecoach driver wandered in, stooped over from carrying six or seven trunks. "Ah. I must have come to the wrong hotel." "Hmph, there's no other hotel in this town- you know that, don't you_- Chikusa?"_ "Ohn, my former boss. You seem well. I could remedy that." Mukuro smiled tightly. "You'd be dead first." "Which makes you dead second. Job accomplished." "Just take the luggage up, and get out of town." "Ohn, sure."

Chikusa shuffled up the stairs, Reborn apologized for the terrible first impression of basically everything, and promised to remove the other bodies as soon as possible, then left. Mukuro just silently wafted away. (or maybe he jumped out a window when no-one was looking.) Shamal remained unconscious, his face resting uncomfortably in a soup bowl, and the girls just sort of... stood in the foyer. "Well." "I agree." "What sort of town IS this?" "Well, it's more.. exciting than London." "Is that really a virtue?" "I-pin doesn't know." "What should we.. you know, for lunch?" asked Kyoko. She gave off a slightly hysterical hiccup. "I can't believe I'm talking about lunch in the same room as two dead bodies!" "Somehow, I think things like this happen a lot here" comforted Yuni.

Chikusa left the hotel unnoticed as the discussion continued. "... what about the kitchen? We could use it, I suppose. No-one else needs it now..."

The front doors suddenly burst open. They turned quickly, ready to deal with the next quirky town resident.

A woman stood there, her considerable chest heaving and cheeks flushed. Her blue hair had almost escaped the confines of her braid, and she was grinding her teeth, one fist shaking in anger. "AARGH!"she suddenly yelled, punching the closest thing- the doorframe. The wood visibly cracked, and the hotel almost groaned unsteadily before settling cautiously. "You. Would. NOT. Believe. The. SHITTY morning this has been!" she yelled. "By the way. Lunch. My house. COME!" The girls jerked to attention, almost saluting, and followed her out the door, casting wary glances at the frame.

* * *

><p>And cameos galore! Even those one-ep villians!<p>

Hopefully things don't seem to rushed or undescriptive- I'm still trying to work out a good balance.

Next time: "_this is my nephew. Not my.." "Will you marry me?" "St..Stop, please. Please, Byakuran..."_

Not necessarily in that order.

Oh, and am I making Reborn too much like the Doctor? I'm getting Doctor vibes. It's hard doing his adult personality, since we barely know anything about it.


End file.
